Words of Advice

Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with the
phrase "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a few
bars! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database
with the favourite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all
songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need
be, it helps jog the memory. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. It helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times
per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU SUCK! Exaggerated
hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help
as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are
the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the
status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Your request is all that matters. If a metal band had played at the club
a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know
every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band
is a blues or country band. It's the law.


IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his
or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while
holding their head securely so they cannot pull away.
Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. They love this.


TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is
at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time
(such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced
that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound
blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a
musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's
because they didn't get a good look at your mouth. Simply continue to scream
your request & be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely.

Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how
stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring
you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude, it's a huge hit.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in.

By the way, the drunker you are, the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall
off the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep
in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing,
third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try
the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help &
will take this as a compliment.

BONUS TIP:

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments, they love this.

Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you
have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.


See you at the next gig,
The Band